Saturday, April 02, 2005


Payday, baby! I know it's not much, but since I started working (although v. v. minimally) more, I have been actually contributing, albeit only a little.

For Example:
* I have started paying all my own bills (gas, insurance, credit cards).
* I bought groceries last week
* I bought all my own gas as well
* I bought us starbucks yesterday

Ok, so Charlie still pays the entire mortgage, gas, electric, cable, internet, phone, cell phones not to mention all of the business expensese, but at least it's something!
It just feels so good. I hated when I would have to say things like "Um, can I have a $150 for my car insurance?" Esp. because we aren't married, so I feel like his bloodsucking girlfriend.

No that I am talking about going back to school, though, I think he feels bad. He feels like he has failed in someway. He keeps saying that I can work for a few years, but eventually I won't have to. It almost makes me feel bad. I mean, I am the one the degree, who is supposedly so smart.

Honestly, though, my fiancee is one of the most talented people I know.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Bad Blogger

So March was pretty much a blur. I cannot belive its over all ready. I have been really bad about updating, mostly beacause I am afraid of what I might say.

Overall, over these past few months I have been really thinking about where my life is going. Getting engaged affected me in ways I really wasn't prepared for. Instead of strenghtening my relationship, I think it kind of hurt it. I went through a long period of questioning, Is Charlie the right person? We have fought more in the past few months than we ever have. It really got out of hand and we were very ugly people.

Add to this stress of relationship struggles the "fun" of planning a wedding. We avoid it and rarely talk about it. Actually, I have been supposed to pick five places as possibilities and have him pick one, but I have been avoiding it. I have no interest.

Then it dawned on me that my ambivilence to the whole wedding thing was seperate from the love for my fiancee. I shouldn't associate my fear of cheasy white tulle with apprehension about the man I've picked. It's not easy, but it is becasue we love each other that we should work on it. Slowly I am realizing that -gasp- I am not perfect. It is unfair for me to blame my dissatisfaction with my life on Charlie.

So, as a result of my self-realizations I have decided that I want to go back to school and get my teacher's certification. I will put my desire to procreate on ice for awile, realizing that bringing a baby into our current situation. I need to feel like a complete person on my own to be the best wife and mother I can be.

I have had a lot of failure in my life over the past few years and I hope the tides are turning.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Admission of guilt

My afternoot tv schedule has been completely disrupted. Shook-Up. That in and of itself is so sad. But in my world, thats a big deal.

Good Day Live was taken off the air. I hate to admit, this used to be a must-watch for me. After Jullian and Dorth got the axe, I still watched. Basically, I felt bad for Debbie Matenopoluis. I kinda liked her on the View, and felt sorry for her when she lost that job. She seemed so happy to be working again, so I felt bad for her when they took it off the air. I was neutral on Athel (but I liked her more than Dorothy), and Steve was funny. So my 1:00 time slot is open.

The once vacant 3:00-4:00 slot has been magically filled. A surprising new favorite has come into my life in the past week or two. It's callen Starting Over. It's like the Lifetime version of Real World. And I love it. Five women live together in a house and have life coaches. They get these tasks to do in order to change something about themselves. Evveryone has a secret and they're juicy. And today someone left! Oh the drama.

So from 2:00-3:00 it's baby story and 3:00-4:00 it's Starting Over. Sometimes I cry during every show! It is really pathetic.

Come to think of it. I've been on a real self-improvement jag lately. I always try to watch these shows and absorb some of the revelations by osmosis. Like, someone is going to feel the exact same way I do and and Oprah, or Dr. Phil or Alyana (on starting over) or whoever is going to cure them. I just hope it's not Dr. Phil, becasue he would defiantely make me cry.

Friday, March 18, 2005


Boy do I feel like shit. Not only did I throw up this morning, but I am still feeling crappy and it's almost 5p.m. Note to self: This is why you don't drink beer. EVER AGAIN. Stick to liquor.

We have to go to Chuck E. Cheese's tonight for my soon to be neice's first birthday party. I am excited only for the pizza.

Did not go to the gym. I am really starting to feel like a girl sausage. When I was out getting my Neice's gift I had to buy myself a new pair of jeans and a new shirt becasue I feel so shitty and all my clothes are tight! I also bought bronzer as I am Pasty.

I went to target and was depressed by all the college kids I saw there, getting stuff for spring break. It made me feel really nostalgic for College. Sometimes I feel a lot older than 23. I know it sounds weird because in the grand scheme of things 23 is so young. But I am having a hard time adjusting to adulthood. I feel so much guilt for working at home.

I was at a bar last night being a good wingman for one of my friends. She was drunkin' it up with this guy, So my FSIL and I were chatting away with his friend. He asked my what I did (like for a job) and I got all toungue tied. I think that was partially responsible for the drinking-with-reckless-abandon that ensued.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

To Do List

THINGS to do tomorrow (please!)
St Pats/Birthday outfits
b-day gift

Overheard: I can hardly wait to get home and have sex with you all night long!
- FFIL ( future father in law) to FMIL (Future Mother in Law) at last night's mexican birthday extravaganza! You have to know them, but it was actually cute!

So much shit to do! No motovation. Have taken like a bird to water to a nightly buzz though! When's happy hour?
Sat on chubby hangover ass today. Lied about going to the gym. I did take the dog for a walk though (obvously felt guilt about gym)
Fights with fiancee: 1 (day is not over)
Smokedd: 5x
Things crossed off today's list: BIG fat zero just like my JLO ass!


Monday, March 14, 2005

Crisis diverted

Well, last week I was really scared. My period was 4 days late, enough time for me to officially freak out. Thankfully, no bun in the oven yet.

C. and I have been going through a lot of growing pains recently. We have just been "off" . He blames me, I blame him. Were's DR. Phil when you need him?

We are under a lot of stress because of the guy next door. I don't know if we should move or not. Apparently there's a job in Florida...but I'm not going to hold my breath. I think we're in Columbus for the long. haul. One the one hand, I find that thought comforting and on the other it is incredibly stifling. I just home we don't get some grazy ghetto neighbors. I really think Charls. would have a heart attack.

Sad realization: Even though no wedding plans have been made, my insurance doesn't cover maternity yet, and my parents would FREAK OUT, we were both a little sad when AF showed up. I think that C. and I are ready to grow up, we just don't have an excuse. Plus, I really don't want to plan a wedding!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Monthly freak out

Okay so here's the deal. Part of my PMS "process" is that I have to freak out once a month that I am pregnant. I freak out mainly because I want a baby so badly, but know that now is not the time. Fo one, we haven't even set a wedding date yet. And I know how it works: 1.Comes love (check) 2.Marrige (in progress) 3. Baby Carriage (shit please not yet). You'd think after literlly years and years of this monthy tourture, you'd think I'd would have developed a more suitable tracking method for these sort of things, but I haven't. Everytime I do remember to track these things, I manage to freak out even more. It sucks becasue we spend the rest of the month talking about what it will be like when... And for a week or so we think fuck, what have we done! I get all hormonal and rehearse the tear filled conversation which I will have to call my parents and destroy their world.

But that's would be just my luck. Live with boyfriend against parent's wishes, get engaged and everyhing is just ducky. For a month or two.

I lied. My period was supposed to come today. I'm still waiting. Shit fuck.