Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Memories of Grandma Junie

I tought about my grandma today, and everytime I think about her or talk about her I am overwhelmed with this feeling of saddness. Not becasue she has passed away or anything like that, but because we aren't closer. Last thurdsay was her birthday so I decided to give her a call. I was so nervous about calling her all day, wishing I'd sent her a card, etc, etc, but when I finally did get around to calling her, it was really nice. We had the best conversation and talked for twenty minutes. Mainly, we talked about the food channel (she loves emeril, I love paula dean) and assorted artifacts that she's given me.
If there is one thing that my grandmother and I have in common, it is a love of all things kitchen or cooking related. Right now, I sit here at 23 years of age and in the possession of more dishes than one needs in a lifetime. Seriously, its a sickness. I know I have at least 2,000 dishes, plates and bowls. My grandmother is the only one who not only understands this, but encourages it. I have been thinking of her a lot in the past few days, especially in light of my recent acquisition.
Charlie had gotten word that there was a warehouse that is slated for demolition and that there were bricks and doors in the ware house that he could have. We have and understanding, my man and I, and he lets me take all the "house" junk I want, and he gets to have all the construction related junk that he can fit into the back yard. Sick, aren't we? Anyways, I understand how happy he gets about the notion of a free pallate of pavers (apparently enought to do,like,our whole sidewalk) because it's how happy I got when he told me that there were some dishes in the warehouse.
I arrived at the warehouse literally giddy with the thought of what types of treasue I was going to unearth. Maybe I'd score some more Fiesta, or some Harelequin. I also have an odd love 80's era Corelle. To my surprise, the joy of this motherload was not it's style but its quantity. I'd estimate probably in the neighborhood of 400 dinner plates, 100 cereal bowls, 100 sideplates, and maybe 75 oatmeal bowls. I justified it by saying we could use them when we have the massive party we've been planning for years. Which is about as likely as those bricks ending up in our sidewalks. The dishes are still in the back of my car becasue I am too lazy (and they are too heavy). But everytime I take a turn awkwardly and hear them glinking away I think about my grandmother. She would understand.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

the life and times of the most boring girl in the world

well it's kind of hard for me to write much in this thing, especiall because I am really trying to practice my writing, and its still hard for me to write anything too real on this site. I have this huge fear that I will be "found out" that I will leave it open on the computer and someone will read it. My cover will be blown. For right now, I am writing the old fashioned way, pen to paper, and it feels good. I think it is having a positive effect on me; I am slowly sorting things out. I don't feel so hopelessly unhappy all the time. And my thoughts are scary. It's kind of funny though, I am writng things much more personal and dark than i ever thought I would and there is a very real threat that they could be discovered, much more plausible actual written form than something on the internet. I am trying to write everyday, and hopefully will post mor eoften on this because I think its cool. I like the idea of it very much, but I am trying to work out the kinks. I really do have interesting, funny, human things to say but I can't get to them.

Friday, February 18, 2005

yucky nasty mucus

that's how I feel right now. This is what i get for bragging about how I managed to escape yet another flu and cold season unscathed. I spoke too soon. my body is an achy, cold, yucky mucousy mess. I still have my pajamas on from this morning. I haven't showered. My fiancee is on his way home and i can make no pretense of even some semblace of normalcy. i am a stinky dirty mess and he will just have to deal. actually, it kind of makes me a little guilty for not being more accomidating to charlie when he was sick this past week. he's kinda taking the whole "see I told you it was nasty" approach. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting too much sympathy.

In other news, it was my grandmother's birtyday today. We talked on the phone for twenty minutes and I have to say that if I were fifty years older, we would definatly be good friends. I think I have found the key to why she and my mother aren't closer, as my grandmother and I are similiar in ways that my mother and I will never be. In many respects, I am more like my grandmother than my mother. I really wish we lived closer, she has alot to teach me.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

It's snowing in fucking stereo

crap. the tv is right in front of the window and on the news its snowing, too. Yesterday it was 60! dergrees outside. My twisted love/hate relationship with this city is driving me crazy.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

well crap

I havn't written anything in a while, mostly becasue all ov my creative juices have be sucked up by my new task of Organizing the office and all the files for reeeeeealllllllllll this time. I have made many attempts that have thus far proved only marginally successful. We really need to get our Sh*t together so here's to hoping we can stay this way going into the spring and summer.

In other news Everyone I Know is getting fab job offers in cool places like LA and north carolina (NC would be cool to you if you lived in Ohio, trust me) and I am basically just coming to terms with the fact that I fell in love with a man who probably won't ever leave this place. Read: I am stuck. Here. In. OHIO. I know, I have been here for almost four years (um, I actually had to stop and count because I can't believe its been four years. That's as long as I was in highschool and college (2.5 college years spent here). My old Pennsylvnia Liscense expires this year on my birthday and I'll have to get an Ohio one. I know I should have done this probably a while ago, but it is as if I can't bring myself to admit that I actually Live here. Don't get me wrong, it's not really all that bad, but as my friend (NC) used to put it, it is the "John Doe" state of america. On tv shows and the like when ever someone needs a random state they always pick Ohio. Since I was 15 every few years or so I have moved to a new state, a new school, a new life. Lately I have come to realize that this is it. The foundation has been laid. I am engaged, I live in a house, I have a dog, I live in Ohio. HOLY SHIT I am an adult. What the hell am I gonna do now?

Friday, February 11, 2005

I love you Corey Feldman!

O.K so I have to admit that, before tonight, Corey feldman was lost on me. I am 23, and therefore right on the cusp of the whole goonies/lost boys/some other ones that I forget corey feldman=hot prepubescent crushing thiing. I found it really hard to see him as any sort of teen hearthrob. True, I found his antics on the last surreal life somewhat amusing. His wedding made for mildy good reality tv fodder. But his performance tonight on 20/20 was awsome. I had now idea he was that much of a media whore. I love me a good scandal, dish, and what not and this whole micheal jackson fiasco is shaping up to be a modern day oj simpson trial with Corey feldman as its Cato Calin. HE NAMED HIS CHILD ZEN. Zen. fully absorb that for a second. This guy is nutty and could barely hide his boner by the simple prescense of Martin Bashear. Prencess Di. The king of Pop. Corey felman singing his tunes (he wrote a song after micheal dumped him) and trying to look pensive.. That's what I call a journalistic orgasam. Way to go Martin! I wait with baited breath for part 2...

I did not sign up for this...

We got a call over the weekend from one of our friends (several drunken calls and a few drunken angry messages, actually)letting us know they had gotten engaged over superbowl weekend. What? You didn't know that second only to Valentine's day, superbowl weekend is the most romantic time of year? Just to let you know the type of species we are dealing with here. He's been calling Charlie (my fiance) like all the time to commiserate with him about How Terrible It Is To Plan A Wedding With Someone You Love.
As a recently engaged person I have to admit its not all I thought it would be. I thought that once we got engaged everyone would get off our back. Oh, and I really love my fiancee, dont get me wrong. It's just that I don't want to have a wedding. I don't want to plan it and spend all that money when honestly I'd rather had the money. Is that bad? Maybe I'm selfish. I don't know why, and people tell me I'm crazy and that I'd regret it but I really wish we could just go to a Justice Of the Peace and "get it over with" (my future mother in law took a small amount of noticable discontentment with my phrasing of our impending nuptuals in such a tone, but hey what are future daghter in laws for).
I guess I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that I USED to be cool. I used to get so mind bogglingly intoxicated and have so much fun just embracing my assedness. We used to go out. With our friends Who WERE cool too. No everyone has paired off and is making babies or bitching about blah blah blah. I stopped caring.
Last weekend I went on a date that involved a giant burrito and plastic silverware. I save bags. I clip coupons and worship Oprah. I am becoming so tragically un-hip.
I am just having a rough time in "developmental pergatroy". The wedding plans have caused me to go off the deep end. It all just seems so "final". It's like congradulations, you're an official adult. Freaky Shit. On that note, I think I'll go enjoy my Friday night "Hope and Faith" (lame, lame tv show on abc that I am secretly addicted to) with a jack and Diet.

Friday Green Tea check-in

It has been a week since I went off the coffee in favor of the supposedly healthier Green Tea. One the whole I feel marketably better. The first few days were rough. I didn't even realize that it was probably related to the switch. I feel as though I have more energy, especially in the afternoons. As far as the supposed weight-loss that was "guarenteed" well I'm split. I definately feel less "puffy", but I made chocolate peanut butter brownies last weekend. and ate my was through them for the past few days now. thankfully, they are now gone but I am currently experienceing other bloating issues so it is really too soon to tell. I definately feel better though. Hopefully, I can convince Charlie to quit as it is a little tough to smell his every morning.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

WOE is me!

Surely the dearl lord has smitten me for not getting ashes today. Remember the Hoorver Floormate I've been lauding for days? Well there's been an Accident...

So after you're done with the floormate you are supposed to clean the parts that get dirty. Well yesterday I was feeling particularly enamored with the floormate so I decided to clean all the parts, not just the dirty ones (did I mention how much I love the floormate?) Any who somhow in the sudsy clean sink water one of the parts managed to slip down to the trash compacter. Well, I mascerated it. I hate sticking my hand down into the unknown abyss of nastiness that gets stuck down there unless is unaviodable. There are still pieces of it lying in the compacter right now because I won't go in and get them. It is a sad sad day. Not only because of this but because I finished all of the peanut butter brownies today.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The lame-a-thon continues...

I was going to walk the dog earlier, but I instead satyed home to watch Oprah and eat sour cram and chives sandwich crackers. Mmmm so good. The dog could care less, she is content to lay on the bed and wallow in the pile of clean clothes I had resting there. Ah, pets. I am so scared that my skills of being a mom to the dog will somehow manifest itself into human child rearing. We are so screwed if that's the case. Unless pretending to drop chee-tos on the ground for babies somehow becomes acceptable.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Lamity Lame

absolutely nothing of any interest what soever happened to me today, or really even yesterday. I am officially beyond lame. I, at 23 years of age am boring. I cleaned the floors today. Yesterday I contemplated writing a piece called "Here's to you, Stove" to commerate the One year anniversary of our stove (We got her last year on Super Bowl Sunday). Then to day I was silently composing "Ode to my Hoover FloorMate" to express the joy that cleaning the floors with the Floormate brings me. Oh the excitement. Seriously though, the floormate is awsome. If you have a lot of wood or tile in your house, then you should definately consider it. I think mopping is tres nasty.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

This is for you, Oprah.

A month or two ago I saw this guy on Oprah who said that if you switch from coffee to green tea that you would lose 10 pounds in six weeks. In the name of science and an even hotter body I am trying this out. Actually, I quit coffee on tuesday (and went to black tea) then on friday I started with the Green Tea. Quitting coffee was a lot harder thatn I expected it to be. I realized the other day that it took me so long to quit smoking cigarettes, and I don't want to be dependant on anything. I was a pretty big Biotch for a dew days but now I am actually starting to feel better.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Starbucks gossip

Somebody has to monitor America's favorite drug dealer.


Cigarettes, booze and now this!

Restorative walk brought about by le douchebag and....

the fact that I googled some of my classmates to make myself happy by their lack of achievment. Trust me, that did not go over as planned.
Here is some of my art therapy. Oh le douchemag and successful classmates; I'll not let you get the better of me! Just look how cute my dog is and eat that! Put that in you doctorial canidacy and smoke it!





See how cute?






Dear le douchebag ahead of me in the Car lane at the Bank:

You hardly noticed me today as it is quite evident that your head is so far up your ass that you probably don't notice much (except maybe for the occasional polyup). As such, perhaps you need me to tell you that you were the third person in line by the time I got there. THIRD! When it was finally your turn I noticed that you pulled up to the vacuumated pod, applied the break, and then lifted up your fat ass to grab your deposit slip from your rear pocket. You then proceeded to hunt through your GARGANTUAN purse to find your deposits. Did I mention that this is what your car looks like:

Do you have any idea how offensive a Yellow Hundai Tuburon is at 9:00 am on a saturday is? Huh, do ya? What the F*** where you doing in your electric piss mobile before you reached the line that you could not fill out your deposit slip? Were you temporary blinded by the neon yellow glare of your hood? I should hope so. Next time, please be a little more considerate and have your deposit ready ESPECIALLY if you have been sitting in the car, presumably doing nothing but waiting for your turn.
Yours pissedofedly,
L
P.S. And for Christ Sake Get a new car!

Friday, February 04, 2005

What's next? They better not touch my crack!

here

These will put the fear of god in you...

Query Letters I Love

Something's wrong here...

Forgive me, Internet. I was under the impresstion that She Who Cooked The Delicious Meal would have been spared the antics of the "Speed Network". I guess I was mistaken. He who forsakes his lover's televison requests will wake up to no coffee or egg sandwich.

Can you seriously handle all this cuteness?

So cute I am getting a stomach ache.



How adorable do they look? For more nausea inducing cuteness check out this page.

This little Piggy went to market...

The results are in!


It's a pedicure. Much needed re: My secret sin.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Wintery Mix

If you don't know what this is, trust me, you are lucky. This is "ohio slang" for snow so wet that it resembles rain in liquidity but snow in its freezing temperature. It is the most excruitiatingly terrible thing about the otherwise mild ohio winters. It smells like salty damp sweat. Now to the pedicure!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

My secret sin. Experience the horror!



Seriously, what the hell. I am never going to darn this sock. I'm not even sure I know what that means. But All I can say to myself is : Give yourself a pedicure for Christ's sake. Really, I need to overcome my hoarding tendancies and throw away the damn sock, even if it will leave the other one mateless. There are worse things in life than a loney widowed sock floating around aimlessly in sockland.

A letter that will never get sent..(C)

Dear C:
When you are horny please do not ask me if I "wanna do it". While I realize that in the beginning of our relationship I found your tactics slightly humorous, I had no Idea that three years later I would be listening to you say those words every night for the rest of my life. Now that we are engaged the thought of a lifetime of this is rather daunting. Also referring to my vagina as my "little thingy" has warn thin as well. While we are on the subject, what is going on with the groping. I thought you were just undersexed when we first started dating, so I pretty much let you do whatever. If only I would have nipped it in the bud then. It is not so much the simple ass pats, I welcom them. It is the "escavator" style attack that has got to stop. I commonly refer to it (as I'm sure you know this - I as you to stop doing it nearly every single goddamed day) as "the dig". On a final note, I really wish you would stop calling me "your little chubby stinky". Especially because this is also what you call our dog.
I love you and remain very truly yours,
L