Saturday, April 02, 2005


Payday, baby! I know it's not much, but since I started working (although v. v. minimally) more, I have been actually contributing, albeit only a little.

For Example:
* I have started paying all my own bills (gas, insurance, credit cards).
* I bought groceries last week
* I bought all my own gas as well
* I bought us starbucks yesterday

Ok, so Charlie still pays the entire mortgage, gas, electric, cable, internet, phone, cell phones not to mention all of the business expensese, but at least it's something!
It just feels so good. I hated when I would have to say things like "Um, can I have a $150 for my car insurance?" Esp. because we aren't married, so I feel like his bloodsucking girlfriend.

No that I am talking about going back to school, though, I think he feels bad. He feels like he has failed in someway. He keeps saying that I can work for a few years, but eventually I won't have to. It almost makes me feel bad. I mean, I am the one the degree, who is supposedly so smart.

Honestly, though, my fiancee is one of the most talented people I know.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Bad Blogger

So March was pretty much a blur. I cannot belive its over all ready. I have been really bad about updating, mostly beacause I am afraid of what I might say.

Overall, over these past few months I have been really thinking about where my life is going. Getting engaged affected me in ways I really wasn't prepared for. Instead of strenghtening my relationship, I think it kind of hurt it. I went through a long period of questioning, Is Charlie the right person? We have fought more in the past few months than we ever have. It really got out of hand and we were very ugly people.

Add to this stress of relationship struggles the "fun" of planning a wedding. We avoid it and rarely talk about it. Actually, I have been supposed to pick five places as possibilities and have him pick one, but I have been avoiding it. I have no interest.

Then it dawned on me that my ambivilence to the whole wedding thing was seperate from the love for my fiancee. I shouldn't associate my fear of cheasy white tulle with apprehension about the man I've picked. It's not easy, but it is becasue we love each other that we should work on it. Slowly I am realizing that -gasp- I am not perfect. It is unfair for me to blame my dissatisfaction with my life on Charlie.

So, as a result of my self-realizations I have decided that I want to go back to school and get my teacher's certification. I will put my desire to procreate on ice for awile, realizing that bringing a baby into our current situation. I need to feel like a complete person on my own to be the best wife and mother I can be.

I have had a lot of failure in my life over the past few years and I hope the tides are turning.